


In My Spine

by happinesssdeceit (crescenttwins)



Series: Last Words Soulmate AU [5]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Character Death, Self-Harm, Soulmarks, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Tissue Warning, Tokyo Ghoul √A Finale Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-24 17:57:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3778030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescenttwins/pseuds/happinesssdeceit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The letters start fading after Hide’s gone, and Kaneki finds himself etching them back on his skin over and over again because he can’t lose this too.”</p><p>-- falsehero (see Author's Note)</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Spine

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Soulmate AU art](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/109858) by falsehero. 



> Please read the tags and give this a pass if you may be triggered by the issues contained within. On the other hand, if there are additional trigger tags you would like me to add, please let me know!
> 
> I had thought that this AU was pretty much complete with "Twin Souls", but then I nearly simultaneously received an ask prompt and found out about falsehero's amazing artwork, and... Well, this happened! Haha...ha. Sorry, I cried when I wrote this too. 
> 
> The title is from Conor Oberst: "I've cried, and you'd think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine for the rest of my life."
> 
> ANGST WARNING: Please take breaks between parts if you are experiencing any kind of distress; and let me know if there are trigger tags or warnings you would like to be added to any installment in this series.

The CCG drags him into a white room with a steel door, as if that could hold him if he truly wished to escape.And Kaneki lets them, because Arima gave his word that Hide’s body would be returned to his family.Promised that Hide would be buried with full honors and without his body desecrated by the bigots who would condemn him for having a _ghoul_ as a soulmate. 

His fingers flex, remembering the sensation of holding Hide— _and he had been so light, had he always been so thin?_

A part of him whispers darkly, because it would be easy to get Hide back; it would be easy to tear down these walls and the flesh of the weakened CCG. And if he could not retrieve Hide’s body, if he met Arima and the sharp edge of a Quinque— then at least Hide wouldn’t be alone, anymore. _Rabbits can die of loneliness_ , Kaneki mouths, and has to bite into his arm to prevent himself from screaming. He had _smiled_ , he had stupidly smiled at that text when it tore through the darkness, a reminder of Hide’s affection.  

Because Hide had always been the one to hold him, to gather him up into an enthusiastic hug and to remind him that he had a place he was loved. And Kaneki had never reciprocated, too lost in his body’s drift from humanity.Too lost in his shock to realize that Hide was bleeding for him in more ways than one.And Hide’s blood is still on his hands, but he can’t bring himself to taste it, not when it’s one of the only things he has left. Not when Hide’s never going to be here again, not when—

Kaneki tears at his right sleeve, just past his shoulder, until the black fabric rips into his hand.He brings it up to his nose, inhaling sharply because it’s _Hide_ , it smells like Hide and sunshine and half-forgotten walks to class and burgers. It smells like trust and affection, like an embrace after a long time away.He swallows the scent, letting it caress his hurts.  

A burning sensation gathers in Kaneki’s face, moisture and stiffness, and he curls his hand around the fabric for protection before his tears can taint it.It’s never going to be the same again, Kaneki thinks, staring at the white, _white_ walls.He isn’t going to be able to go home now, not now.And carefully, gently, he moves his fingers up to trace his soul mark, the words that he had heard merely hours before.He doesn’t have a mirror here, but he could trace the shape from memory alone, the physical memory as potent as a reflection. _They are a sign that someone out there loves you_ , Kaneki murmurs, like he had to Hide all those years ago, _but you’re gone, vanished from this world_. His fingers tremble as he meets the skin and—

And it is smooth.His eyes pivot frantically to his shoulder, and it takes him but a moment to find the familiar letters against his skin.Kaneki reaches over them, tracing very gently, and they— Hide’s words are—

Hide’s words are vanishing, being pulled off into the air that he can no longer breathe.And if Kaneki is alone, if there is no longer someone out here to tether him into existence, then he is not allowed to keep the reminder that there once was someone to fulfill that role? _No_ , Kaneki thinks, _no, no_.

His words are still there, but they are fainter. And in the morning, Kaneki knows, they will be fainter still; until the time that Kaneki won’t be able to see them anymore, will rely on his physical touch on unblemished skin; until the time when he will forget what the curve of the letters looked like and where they were placed.  He doesn’t want that.  Kaneki has already lost Hide; he can’t—

He _won’t_ lose this too.

 The idea is fully formed before Kaneki dares to stop tracing the letters.  He brings up the black fabric, inhales, the sound heavy and wet, and tucks the cloth into his pocket.  Kaneki cracks his fingers, considers his nails and his shoulder.  It is a crude solution, as so many things are, but it is the only thing that Kaneki can do, can really do to make sure he doesn’t lose this last piece of Hide. Because Hide’s parents will surely spit on him, for abandoning Hide, for letting him die.  They will surely ward him away from Hide’s shrine, and he won’t be allowed to pay his respects to his most precious person in the world.  And who could blame them?  

Who wouldn’t hate the person responsible for Hide’s death?

His nails are dull where they bite into the soft skin of his shoulder, but the physical pain of ripping the thin skin of his shoulder is nothing compared to the chasm in his chest. Kaneki carves his shoulder, follows the faint lines that remain on his skin, and laughs as the blood drips onto the floor, quiet and tragic.He wonders, as he chases the lines he has treasured since his birth, what the CCG might find if they cracked open his chest.Would his heart still be there, beating? Would his lungs be shredded by the blades hidden in the air he breathes?

 _It’s painful, Hide,_ Kaneki thinks. _The world is dark without you_.

He laughs, and laughs, and when he is finished his vision is so blurred by tears that he thinks he is blind.His shoulder drips blood, but he will scar, and Hide’s precious words will remain for a little longer.He laughs because he can’t just cry— because Hide, in his last moments, wanted to see him _smile_. So he takes his fingers and pulls his lips into a twisted smile as he sobs, tears and blood running together on the floor, and he laughs and cries and aches for the time he lost with his soulmate. The sound echoes in that empty, empty room, and if only he had spent more _time— if only, if only._

 _Stupid_ , he thinks, when the tears have stopped falling and he lets his fingers drop from his mouth.  

Because Hide was so sensitive to people, would have known that the smile was fake.And if Hide had been here, then he would have sat behind Kaneki; he would have pushed against Kaneki’s back, a line of careful warmth where their backs were connected, and Hide would have— Hide would have talked.He would have talked about his new job at the CCG, and the people he liked, and the pranks he pulled.He would have whispered gossip to Kaneki, things about the school system and the strange going-ons of campus.Hide would have averted his eyes from Kaneki’s tears because that wasn’t what Kaneki needed right now.He would have—

He would have reached back and laced their fingers together, anchoring Kaneki with more than just the warmth of his body, and he would have asked if Kaneki still needed notes.

Kaneki smiles, a bitter taste lingering in his mouth, and lets his eyes drift to his shoulder.The wounds are still bleeding— Hide’s mark is still safe.Something close to relief but tainted with sorrow rises in his chest, and he leans against one of the walls in this prison cell to rest, just for a moment.

Fate is a cruel mistress, because she won’t let him hold onto these things, these terrible and wonderful things that come with having a soulmate.She is possessive, and once she has taken away, she will take _everything_ away that a soul has touched: not only their soul mark but also the happiness that they exuded. She links hands with Memory to steal away their smiles, and with Time she wipes away thoughts of them, until they cease to exist in all things.

And Kaneki knows that, isn’t oblivious to its meaning.He knows that he will etch Hide’s words into his skin for an eternity if it means that he can keep them, knows that he is shackling himself by doing so.  

 

 

 

 

 

 _And one day,_ one day _he ( ~~not Kaneki, he won't be Kaneki~~_ ~~anymore~~ _) will smile from the bottom of his heart. _

_And he won't remember, but Hide never would have held it against him. Because the world that they lived in was beautiful, in both the shining surface and the broken shards hidden below- and it had always been_ _Hide’s wish for Kaneki, to be able to still look at this terrible, shattered world, half-blinded from anger and fear, and to be able to find something beautiful- something worth saving and living for._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
